Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
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4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
wow
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.