Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
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Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Just a phase…
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Brilliant!
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan