Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
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Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!