Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
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How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Who’s ready for Friday?!
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
look at me when i’m typing to you
I’d use my best pan on you.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually