My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
You Might Also Like
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Breaking news:
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now