I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
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i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
the noise i just made
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*