“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
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“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.