If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Raisins are grape jerky.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Meow
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.