Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
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WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
[eats all your cotton candy]
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.