Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
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The human personality is made of five key elements
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
u spoke cat all this time??????