honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
You Might Also Like
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Ok but actually
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.