My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
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A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like