[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
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What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t