Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
You Might Also Like
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
wtf management?!
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Me buying fruit and veg
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?