Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
oppen heimer style lol
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat