recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
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Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire