I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
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MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.