Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
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thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is