Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
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My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
My what?
Meow
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.