Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
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[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Not all heroes wear capes…
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.