Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
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just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
$3 #books
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”