My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
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Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.