[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
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Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.