*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
You Might Also Like
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.