6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
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[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Krampus.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
A woman drives into a bar.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Matt Goss
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.