ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
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I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”