your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised