Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
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Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
🤣🤣🤣
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.