coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
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I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Guys, I found it.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou