Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
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Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”