When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
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My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Go hard or stay average
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years