My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
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I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
sin harder.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.