Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
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If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
So, can we agree on 4 or
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Just say no
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*