me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
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[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
The Backseat Boys
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago