I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
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This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Is anyone gonna tell them?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff