me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
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Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Who says great literature is dead?
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries