*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
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There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
then why did i get this email
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.