Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
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heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
welcome back
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
yes… yes…
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.