if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
You Might Also Like
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Always leave them wanting their money back.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*