Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
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I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van