Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
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#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
For the ones in the back.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’