i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
You Might Also Like
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
The biggest mystery of our time
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download