I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
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Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…