My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
You Might Also Like
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I’m giving up for Lent.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.