-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Attacked by a mop.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no