you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
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that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
😅🤣😂
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
your honor my client chooses dare
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.