Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
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Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?