I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.