ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
You Might Also Like
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Rather alarming headline…
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT