ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
“our sushi is very fresh”
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.